i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
