My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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