Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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