i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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