I wish I could punch you in the face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
