a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
