i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
