plz talk dirty to me
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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