Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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