I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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