Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
