I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
