hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize