I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
