I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
As shirtless as possible
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize