Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
