i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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