So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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