Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
