I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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