Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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