My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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