This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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