it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
