I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A bitchslap is in order.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
