So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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