i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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