i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
