Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
