my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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