if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
