he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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