YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
