God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
