That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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