My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
