All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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