I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
