seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
