There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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