well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
