I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize