I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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