you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
