I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
