I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize