so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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