My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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