how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My pussy is not your playground.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
