I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
