On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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