I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
