I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
