New low: just hacked my moms facebook
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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