i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize