If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
