She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
