Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
