You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
