I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
