I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
