Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
