Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Please don't give away my fajitas
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
