And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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