when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
