when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
