Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
