there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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