i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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